A template for replying to insulting, unsolicited advice from drunks

Wow, so here's the story.

Let's say someone who nearly killed himself and his wife drunk driving not two weeks ago, who lost his job to drinking a month ago, decided to tell this other guy all the things he sees him doing wrong in his life. "This," Guy 2 thinks, "despite calling me for the first time in years just last week; 'Happy Birthday.' It was very nice while it lasted. Then he engaged in explaining to me how pathetic I am and each aspect of what I do wrong in how I live and conduct my friendships. Well all-righty then."

He thinks about it, and here's his reply. Hopefully, he has no one left in his life full of self-loathing who can get under his skin like this; I don't even like to see fictional characters suffer too much, you know?


Feel free to write my wife and ask her opinion about what she does for us. She is your friend, too. She knows what I do for us, too. You were nowhere to be found when I struggled to make this transition. It took her a long time to get me to try things this way and stop agonizing over what I think a man should be. Don't worry, I do bring in money for us, as well as contacts, information, etc.

I do understand how you surely must feel and where you're coming from right now, best I can. I can't assume I really know.


Hah, I was wondering if you'd like to be listed as "brothers" on FB the other day, because I wanted you to know your friendship meant as much to me as Jimmy's, Suzee's, Desiree's, etc. I do worry sometimes about smothering people w/ likes and replies but I want them to know sometimes, "hey, I got ya, we're sharing energy, I noticed, etc." so I reply. It's often known as a conversation. I let it ride if there's no time or if we talk a lot anyway.

It is odd that you seem to know this about me but rarely engage me. But don't worry, I get it. I had to understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry I didn't give you a bunch of hell about how you were living your life because I didn't like where it seemed to keep going, but anytime you take up your challenge is great. I didn't want to shame you, only encourage you.

Please do understand criticism this harsh from someone who hasn't asked me how it's going half a dozen times in who knows how long isn't as effective as it would've been from someone who patiently asked me what I've been doing, spending time with me. I just did that for the sake of (a person we know). I invested in letting (this person) know I care first, so there would be no doubt, despite reasons for great dismay. I won't trouble you with (that person's private) business.


This message, from you, is more like, "I have this negative opinion of my understanding of what you do, and so I am going to take it out on you that you dared share a few friendly words with enthusiasm that embarrassed me, because I haven't felt that kind of enthusiasm for anything in longer than I recall." I don't want to tell you off defensively or angrily, but engage in sincerity. I have no reason to put on any airs, nor do I possess any by your lights, so that would be extra silly.

Let me remind you when people stop drinking in 12 step, one of the early parts of the process is apologizing for what you've done on your own recognizances, not telling everyone else what they've done. I'm sorry, but take a look around---I should listen to you, based on what? You may not be drunk, but your brain's still damaged from the patterns your mind took that made everything around you shit and make getting drunk preferable.

I would adore having XXX's job but we aren't trying to do the same thing. You'll be proud to hear about the students I tutor sometime. When we've run our whole test here, there are other things we can do together if I.S. isn't giving us back what we need. It has a time limit and certain feats I've yet to take on like the website that will help it.


I hope this will be helpful and ring of truth for you:

Alcoholics have very deeply critical attitudes about the littlest things. It is not just the alcoholic episodes, but the troubles of deeper cause. It makes being drunk the physical substitute of happiness, to replace the joy the person doesn't feel. I hope you will seek that joy always in place of that drink. I think if you seek the happiness of others, you can't fail to find it yourself.

Please write me whenever you'd like, but I think I may just want to hang on to your offering to examine and meditate upon, to reflect on what it must've meant to you.

I don't know why you decided to cut us out of your lives some years back, but maybe there's no real reason for us to carry on after all. Between that and all your drunk asshole rudeness and then, sober but still under the influence of those belittling attitudes, this, all I can say is when you have pursued your dream for a while and can show me your progress, try advising me again. Otherwise, frankly, I've suffered enough of you, XXXXX, and what passes for your low self-esteem friendship, which has involved more discouragement and tempermental displays than I've taken from any other person. If you can bring it back in a real fashion and stand by me, as I've stood by you, then it can be what it has been in my heart. Hanging on to you may have well been the last decision I had to make to believe in myself. I wish I was some kinda super-god who could keep this friendship no matter what, but what IS it really? Am I just being sentimental, or perhaps proud to have maintained a friendship so long?

You have sucked our friendship dry for now. But understand, it was cumulative. I kind of thought this was how you viewed me, anyway, conflicting with maybe you meaning your encouraging words, too, but I realize it has more to do with yourself and I shouldn't take it personally. It's no shock, just now you've admitted it, you are out there, feeling your negativity, which I told myself "don't be silly!" about, though my gut told me it was there, because why would anyone feel that way? Even then, it is nothing to take personally.

You have my humble investments in your joy and sincere celebration of the life in which I always thought you find much to celebrate. Without your power, they are treasure at the bottom of the sea. So why sink another ship journeying from the new world to the old? Do you notice, upon reflection, the singular direction of handmade, one-of-a-kind gifts mailed from me to you? OH, I'm sorry, you're too busy swimming in such attention to notice, right?

I would advise you to leave me alone now and stop thinking about me in any way, unless the day comes it encourages you. I'm serious, your mind is still an alcoholic's mind, saying alcoholic things to tear people down. I'm sorry that was done to you. I'm sorry that is how you learned to be. You deserved more support than you got, and I hope you rectify that with your own wonderful family.

It was done to me, too, but I told that mode of thought to fuck off and will continue to do so. I don't mess with people married to those kinds of thoughts. It's not about being offended, XXXXX, my dear friend, it's an observation from life experience, though I must embrace no expectations in "helping you". That's what you're up against. You know it. This was a decent sized slot of my time, but how long were we friends? It's probably worth a book, itself.

You don't need to abuse or belittle anyone, XXXXX. You don't need any of that to feel good about yourself. You don't just want me to take another full-time public job and squeeze a creative life around the edges, like I've done most of my life and offered to do numerous times. You want me to feel as pathetic as you think you feel. You needn't feel that way at all.

Sorry so long, but it's because I'm truly done and can't keep coming back to feed the beast, for the sake of my arrogant need to make a guy so conflicted about me pretend he too enjoys our friendship. I really would love to send you many, many messages you can enjoy, with all the encouragement I can muster. But I see thinking about me takes you to a very dark place. When we extend our heart's desires to the decisions of others, we can't always have them, at least, instantly. If I don't hear from you, just know I wish you well, too. For God's sake, though, please don't write me back now, do what you need for you and your loved ones, of which I do not need to be one to have a happy life. You're free from my expectations---and everyone's. Thanks for all the self-examination you've inspired and may we hope I continue to seek wisdom in it.

Follow this blog