Perspective's funny, isn't it?
When we don't feel well, sometimes all the things we are grateful for do not seem enough. I guess what I would say is that there are times when we feel a lack of well being, an unease, self-doubt. We have to be careful not to think too much while feeling like that, or at least not to criticize the fragile elements of our peace. But while we enjoy ourselves, we feel lucky that we are living in the moment and thinking the hints of great thoughts, as though we have something others should readily seek. And yet, the actual difference in what we have is not changed.
As for getting out more, it's really just a matter of time. Make the most of your curiosity and your solitude. it is hard to say there's a direction that will always yield you happiness, you just try to built a framework in which you could at least potentially have that. I'm fascinated by the complexity of human existence. I think I'm most baffled by why we all can't just help each other and get along, and I know that sounds naive on one hand, but you would think the essentials and the well-being of everyone would be easier to agree upon.
This phase will be gone so quickly, if you've been doing a pretty good job of feeding your mind. it's a natural ego need to want to live a life more exciting, with more power to travel and also to help people, with more incident, with some intangible quality of value, as though the many facets and potentials of ourselves are wasted. I guess that's what's so delightful about getting together with people and just belonging, laughing a little easier, lightening up occasionally so we can continue to cope with the baffling aspects of society.
Geez, I remember feeling like I was cool and wanting to be at least as hip as you are now, always dying to have a thrill, some flash, maybe buying the kind of picture, like a commercial, where things look so satisfying, so we don't think about the mind-blowing aspects of our poor ego against the ruthless backdrop of time and mortality. So much easier to crack up mixed company with jokes, right?
I can't profess the quality of this message structurally; it's not edited, not constructed with the agenda of a professional therapist. All I ever did as a friend was keep pulling reasons to dream and have hope and appreciate what we have here, out of my ass, basically. it's not that I don't mean it, it's just a response: if I can ease the fears and anxieties and loneliness of another, I come to terms with my own.
I am no replacement for hanging out with your friends in person, though, I know. There are physical aspects no amount of sentences will replace, you know?
I ache, when the weather's nice, to get out here, too; strangely, I don't call half the people I could. Whatever the hell I'm trying to do has come to supercede too much personal contact until I'm finally making it all "work" but I too just want to belong with some people now and then. I love being loved, like you would think people always do. The 'net has kept me in contact pretty well, but I'm about caught up to where maybe I can just go enjoy time with someone else (it helps that I like Angela, but she can't always be everyone else when the mood hits).
I really fell in love with my own company, sometime long after I'd had a good bit more success having friends. I realized some things about myself, or swallowed some delusions that would give me a cool sounding identity, haha, and once I relied as much on myself as possible, I had new qualities to offer others.
By choice, I've kept things narrowed down largely to Angela and my work and logging in, tho I get in chats with some of my friends around the 'hood, too, when I'm not rushing past them to hurry up on my already late dreams.
As a writer, this is a good medium for me to come in and dive-bomb people with jokes and observcations and comfort, but yah, going to expereince things with people is part of making memories, so hang in there, the time will come around again.
Do you have open communication with your friends? has anything weird happened? Maybe you can pinpoint something, but try not to let it overwhelm you. In the end, you may live a good bit of your life without them much one day, and it's best to have these good qualities in yourself, because if you want to adapt somewhere else, it's good to be friendly enough to get friends wherever you land.
I just mean, your friends' feelings and opinions matter, sure, but all you can do anything about is yourself---so, handle with care, and give yourself a break, just keep doing your best and understand the occasions when you make bad decisions and treat yourself like you deserve some compassion. Besides, their deal may be about things quite outside yourself and they can't understand how you feel.
Don't get too caught up by anger, get some exercise, and try not to get on your own nerves complaining. I made a lot of fun of how uptight and scared to think for themselves others were, but in a way it bummed me out, privately, 'cause I'd be living in a better world if we weren't all asked to politely dumb ourselves down! Just look at American Idol.
I'm not making assumptions, it's just human stuff. I'm picking from my own process, just random stuff that screws up my day and my potential to progress, at times. This is the sort of thing I think about to fix it.
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