Scene: Edith Wharton Maternity Wing
A woman in a hospital gown lies back under covers, looking miserable, as a doctor examines her charts. Her belly is apparently great with child. There are two beds present, unless you can wheel a gurney in. The woman also has a towel on her lap.)
DR.: Mrs. Stichards, we’ve detected a heart beat for you baby.
RUE STICHARDS: How is she?
DR: Well, we can’t get a sonogram of her position if you keep turning your womb invisible.
RUE: I’ll try to cooperate. This intern came in earlier and accidentally saw everything!
DR: Just relax.
RUE: I thought someone said “song-o-gram” and if I have to hear the baby’s Uncle Benjy belt out ‘Be My Baby’ again, I’m going to hide behind an invisible force field! (she throws up her hands in frustration)
DR: I’m sure if you can deal with the face of Doom, Mrs. Stichards, you can deal with such a natural procedure. The nurse will see you shortly, if you don’t turn invisible again.
(a gloved hand comes into the scene, on a long poll, as the doctor speaks)
DR: Have you noticed any flares?
RUE: If there’s a flare, I’m not answering it, I’m busy giving birth!
DR: If you’d like, perhaps Dr. Stichards could lend a bit of support.
(the gloved hand pats her)
RUE: OH, here he is, now! (pats the hand)
You’re such a fantastic hubby, darling.
(hand retracts back off stage)
DR.: Perhaps a bit of company will help. Another patient had a private room, but with the emergency patient from Crouton, we were pressed for space. The princess was kind enough to offer her room. It will only be for a little bit…
RUE: If I decide I don’t want company, she won’t even notice me here.
(Another woman is helped in carefully, to take the space next to Rue. She has a nice head piece and braids, if possible. She is huffing and puffing with an enormous belly.)
IMA: Oh, the force is strong with my bladder.
(she sighs, puts out her hand. The doctor leaves.)
IMA: Ima Dollah.
RUE: You’re a dollar?
IMA: I’m a princess, I don’t come cheap! Princess Ima Dollah.
RUE: Rue Stichards, of the Fantabulous Four.
IMA: Hope your delivery’s going more smoothly than mine.
(she puts her hand over her belly)
They admitted me for preeclampsia, but it turned out I just had a high midi-chlorian count.
RUE: Looks like twins!
IMA: Wow, it’s like you can see right through me!
RUE: I can! You want to see, too?
(she waves her hand beside the princess’s belly; Ima looks down her gown with a joyous look.)
IMA: Oh, would you look at that? Hel-lo, little Luke! Hel-Lo, little Leia!
RUE: I’m having a girl this time, too. Pretty neat that you have them both at once!
IMA: Yes, I was surprised to have twins, but it was bound to happen.
RUE: Cosmic destiny?
IMA: My thyroid medicine, actually. Increases the egg count.
IMA: Oh, heavens, no, I didn’t clone it, I had them the old fashioned way.
RUE: I see! The father must be really excited.
IMA: I’m starting to think he’s not into children much. Maybe the worse baby sitter in the galaxy. We’ve not been getting on so well. In fact I didn’t know him so well at all!
RUE: My goodness! I hope he didn’t use force?
IMA: Oh, he has his dark side, for sure. Awfully good with his light saber.
RUE: A bad boy, huh?
IMA: He uses the Force, but we conceived in a much happier time.
RUE: It’s by my husband. He got me right in the Negative Zone!
IMA: Oo-hoo, sounds like fun!
RUE: (batting her eyes demurely) Can’t say it was ALL negative.
If I was more than five centimeters dilated, I’d just make a little force field slide for her to zip on out my cooch.
IMA: I hope these two will be so cooperative. Not every baby does it by the book! Too bad they haven’t all read the book.
RUE: Knowing my baby, she just may have already read the book. She may come out with a degree.
But it won’t be long until I have Valeria.
IMA: Ooo, (sucks in air through teeth) malaria’s not much fun at all! I really despise mosquitoes.
RUE: At least I am excited about the baby now. It was a happy little accident when we conceived.
IMA: Did you use a rubber?
RUE: OH, my husband’s entirely rubber. (she peaks under her gown.) In fact, I may be the only patient in the maternity ward whose husband ALSO has stretch marks.
(The patient from Crouton, also great with child, enters the room. This could be a guy :-D)
EL EL BEAN EL: Hello, ladies! I just wanted to come thank you, princess, for letting me use your private room. Everything was just blowing up at home!
IMA: We expectant mothers have to stick together!
RUE: I know what you mean! Sometimes I don’t know if I’m coming or going!
IMA: Me, too! Prequel or sequel? I can’t keep anything straight anymore.
EL EL BEAN EL: I’m El El Bean-El. I’m very excited for you ladies.
IMA: Ima Dollah.
RUE: Rue Stichards.
BEAN EL: At least at this stage I still have some of the decision making! My husband’s such a control freak!
IMA: OH, my Anny’s the worst control freak!
RUE: Mine treats me like an invisible woman.
BEAN EL: Well, congratulations to you and Annie. I think more gay couples should use in vitro! Too bad that I have to give mine up for adoption. I hope he finds a nice couple.
IMA, RUE: awww, that’s sad!
BEAN EL: Well, when I say things are blowing up at home, I don’t mean the economy’s improving.
IMA: Oh, no! Well, at least maybe my little twins won’t have to see anything so drastic. I would hate for little Leia to see her home planet blown up, right before her eyes!
RUE: (pats her) I wouldn’t worry myself about such things, hun. I’m sure she’ll be a daddy’s girl!
BEAN EL: I do have the sweetest little rocket picked out for Kal. It’s already in the NICU.
IMA, RUE: Awww, how sweet!
BEAN EL: at least my husband’s working on our rocket, too. I told him he needed to have it ready last Tuesday but he just mumbled something about being busy at the Phantom Zone.
IMA: Who’s the godfather?
BEAN EL: Oh, my husband’s already the Godfather.
RUE: Must be a Crouton custom. Well, here! I have this towel made of unstable molecules. Maybe you can tuck it in and your baby can use it as a cape or something when he gets older.
BEAN EL (takes the towel): I’ve got to get back to my bed. I feel him kicking…ohhh!!! (she leans backward and rushes out the door, stomach first)
RUE: I’m sure her little one will grow up to be a real man of steel!
IMA: That’s what happened to my man. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. He’s a real metal head.
RUE: Where IS he, may I ask?
IMA: Probably somewhere getting baked with his teacher. Oh! I feel a contraction!
(Doctor returns) DR: Looks like it’s that time! Let me escort you to the delivery room, Princess. Do you know a tiny green man, by the way? (begins helping her up) I told him I’d try to get him in before you give birth, and he said, “Do…or not do…there is no try!!!”
IMA: Yes, he had a hand in this, if it’s a little guy with pointy ears and wrinkles.
DR: Funny you should say that, he had a hand in him, too! (they start to exit the stage left)
IMA: Nice fellow, but a bit of a puppet. (they leave, with Rue sitting alone)
RUE: (sighs) Well, Valeria, it’s just you and me, unless my brother brings me that chili dog I asked for half an hour ago.
(the gloved hand from earlier begins to sneak back into the scene from off stage.)
RUE: I’m going to ask for a shot of Patosin if I don’t start contracting soon. Too bad your Uncle Ben isn’t here. Probably passing out big stinky cigars! At least he’ll be around to rock you. I was thinking, he’s always making contractions. But it looks like I’m stuck with a long-winded, four syllable speech kind of labor. You’re probably in there conducting experiments and don’t even notice it’s time to be born. You’ll be a daddy’s girl, for sure. But I’m sooooo bored!
(the hand pats her on the shoulder comfortingly. Do not poke the actress in the face!)
RUE: Aw, sweetheart! There you are!!! I love you.
(over the intercom, we hear a voice)
VOICE: Calling Doctor Howard, Doctor Doom, Doctor Howard!
RUE: You’ve got to be kidding me.