I was dismayed somewhat to find myself unable to go back to sleep.
I guess it's FAcebook overload. Or Corn-oil-ah Vy-rust overload. It sucks to find out you live somewhere, as you suspected, where people are full of shit. They're too proud and listening to the wrong people.
(From my stand-up routine I should work on, again. Instead of Facebooking- some 'action word' that makes!)
So this is in the interest of getting Chill again, and Ceasing Ill.
I woke up yesterday, dived into an hour or so of Facebook- this is in the afternoon- and uncovered later that I'd gotten distracted and missed turning in my after-class evaluations.
I spent that hour reading responses about the new mandate- for fines I fully expect to be ignored by much of the local populace, who are not going to put up with the government trying to stop Corn Oil-a Virus. I even tossed in a court case that gives precedent to the government asking you to do something in case of an extreme health situation. It's 1905's Jacobson v. Massachusetts.
So, I live in a place where they will have to get long-term damage to their brains, or lungs, or whatever, to believe it. They are just like my Dad, ignoring the rules about masks at Bekaert years ago, for years. And we know how great that worked out for poor Dad.
But you know? I have found myself caring about a few people I really only know, online I am lucky enough to have some sweet people from real life, in contact there now.
And I will check in on them. But holy mother of God, it's one thing to have your ideas keeping you awake. This?
My overall hours spent on Facebook, and some of my personal interactions in real life, limited as they are, all came crashing back in on me. The time I spent- even watching the late night comedians I enjoy on an almost-addictive level- meant I'd wake up, and my mind would treat me to an active ongoing churn of these ideas and events. If there's one thing we learned, I believe, it is that if you are not able to command your own mind and attention, it's really rather out of control.
And I want to maintain friendships with people regardless of their political affiliations. But now they are threatening the health of everyone- which, to be honest, they were already doing in various systematic ways. Now when I find someone supporting Trump, it makes my skin crawl. I snooze people for two reasons, but I've only dropped a small few people from my friend's list. (The other is when a person posts so much, I can't see anyone else's posts.)
But what are those friendships, anyway? Listening to each other's ideas, hoping to entertain people. But it's not quite friendship. There's no sacrifices or sharing of personal time in an activity together, I mean, actually having an experience outside of typing some shit on a screen.
It's not unlike the way my buddy Bali used to pass time, holding court in town where you would get to know a couple hundred people. But it's not. And because our cities want to leave everything dangerous, it's not going to be that.
Then, I don't make time for the few people for more one-on-one conversations of any depth. (Like the friend I wrote, in this instance.)
But all I'm getting done are my classes and, most days, slowly moving forward on this Denny O'Neil thing. I need to shut out social media- I couldn't help but get involved, since there's a pandemic and our city and county commissions were voting about masks, you know, the thing that made other nations safe.
I need to shut it out and work on my creative stuff. I started just scrolling again today, like an addict. Problem is, you start not caring about things that might otherwise evoke some empathy. And that's fine, hell, by all means, only look at what engages you, I figure. I could write you a 'Arnold Rimmer-level detailed analysis of my time there, like his Risk campaigns ( but honestly!
But my intention was to just look up friends when I think of them. It was an experiment to avoid addictive scrolling. IF I wanted to socialize, I'd call my friend, DAK, or finally give Paynter a call. I meant to do that. I was perturbed that I'd told DAK I would. but I tend to get on FB after classes- when I write, so there goes a few more thousand words over time, into a public forum where they can never be bound in a focused form. Oh, sure, I think I do give people food for thought- I endeavor to- and do encourage some people to stay strong of heart and mind. Any mind-changes have been most subtle and of the person's own accord. Speak truth with kindness, Thoreau reminds us.
But I often get on whenever I'm just feeling too hazy to do anything else. And sometimes, it works out, I get a bit of random creative inspiration, write some jokes. But I said I'd just call my friend. I haven't done it. I was perturbed because I'd said something and made it untrue. That's against my personal standards. But I'm just not up to a conversation, or think I'm not, so I just pick up a device and sample the words and lives of others until I have I accidentally saturate myself. Retention of information from said exchange has been a bit unsatisfactory.
So, I was just going to look on Facebook when I was wondering: "How's Tiffany doing? How's Janet and Gil? How's Andy today?" (Bear in mind I also teach approximately twenty different children every week, so I'm already talking online, but at least we have a central purpose, however fun I make it.) Read a few posts. Granted, there are some nice people who I might not look in on, by the nature of limiting said interaction, and the Feed has been kind of cool for that, reminding me of them, seeing, say, vacation photos, or interesting pursuits or personal travails.
But I was going to spend more time present in my own room, focused first on how my wife's doing, and petting my cats, and looking at the plants- we have a virtual jungle going here- then get really dedicated to revising my books and improving my set-up, and rehearsing my songs, even practicing martial arts somewhere I can tune out any staring. Maybe expand my language pursuits past the few minutes I spend on Italian almost daily. (It doesn't look like I will be able to absorb more than six or seven hours of television and movies- it's too passive an experience for me, unless I am deeply engaged.)
I have a new neighbor who might be cool to go on walks with us, and we met this unbelievable young woman at the Farmer's Market, Peaches. She runs an organic farm out in the country. I could do with a friend like that. She got our phone number.
I have a trio of family members I think we actually help greatly, whose company we occasionally enjoy, especially outside. I have a Mom who called for the first time since we moved to the city, who doesn't answer texts for two days after we set up coming over to help with some transplants, so I can't say she really needs us, which is rather OK, too.
So it has been a smaller social circle than I anticipated. No wonder I fell in, as I have many times over the years, to just Too Much Facebook.
So, just stick to looking up Specific Person A. That was the July plan.
If I had stuck to that, I'd mostly be free of exposure to some of the garbage thinking out there. Of course, once you're saturated properly, now you know the lay of the land- now incorporate it into characters and whatnot.
Now, I don't want to discount the beautiful art, the heart-warming photos. Sometimes, there's some solid information. I was thinking I keep a pretty healthy selection of friends, from whom I learn, share energy, with whom I often share. Though, I have grown tired of some of the ones that don't have any two-way basis. They're just overwhelmed and we have little true acquaintance. Nothing personal.
So, staying off Facebook- it's a bit like staying out of a bar for a while. But, let's say the bars are where you also make your living, performing. I value getting out to an audience, just as I like putting on an online open mic or video composed by a friend to entertain us. I even get texts- I have to remember to look at those.
I have ongoing emails about business decisions, about which I sometimes dawdle, because I'm slowly slowly working on new material, even while my command of adjectives begins to deteriorate. Then I latched on to a memoriam/ analysis project that's taken way more time than I anticipated devoting over the past month- in part, because I have a little to learn, even if not all the material I'm reading for it really wows me. And in part, because I can do that and maybe get a few readers, short-term, a few listeners, short term (not many people have a very popular podcast), and can hide, in chronicling other writers, in developing my essay skills while I say I hunger to revise two books of prose and a short story, to literally say nothing of the fiction I've put off.
I'm avoiding a fear of rejection waiting on the other end of those complete processes, even while reading about online learning, for example, is a seminal topic of the day. (I dread finding, as I revise, how many policies I discussed and detailed that are no longer relevant in my fun, ever-changing, and sometimes disappointing profession. Workers everywhere are seeing a decline.)
Our economy's just had its ass kicked, so I have to push that out of mind, and make things for their own sake, even while I acknowledge, once again, money's gotten tight- tighter for some people than I can imagine. And that's just here in America. Imagine living in Syria now as a refugee. I do, sometimes.
My writing performances, my music- they can't happen if I'm too unfocused by Facebook, or even too many YouTube videos. But I value putting things out there for others, and the degree of feedback varies, but I love seeing where I've shared energy with a person. I've been in their thoughts, and I want to be a great guest.
I see, down the street, the karate establishment's open again, apparently or at least, there were a LOT of trucks there. But if I caught corona virus there and it didn't go well, I'd feel so stupid. I'm not sure how stupid. But you can't have karate without sweat and flying spit, as far as I can tell. And it's indoors.
So, I've got to learn: when is enough Facebook?
I guess when, as has become my habit, I wake up at 2:30 am, and just can't seem to turn my mind back off. Which I did, but I had to get up and spend about twenty minutes before I had the right procedures in place - they're simple, I basically banish negative thoughts in the cardinal directions- to finally get my mind to say...nothing. Deliberate nothing. It's the one relief.
I'm going to pop in for things like the live streaming open mic I'm doing on Wednesdays. If I practice more, if I am well-rested enough to pursue things more, I'll pop online to play- I am trying to evolve there, though screwing around playing some basic songs is, I guess, not a terrible activity.
I took the time to meditate, and finally got my brain to be quiet. I think I can get my mind to be quiet with a focused effort any time again, now. I guess I'm a true believer in the restorative power of what Zen practioners call mushin.
I co-opted quite a bit of a message to a friend- I often recycle comments and things I've written and expand them here- to share a blog. But you know how ridiculous it sounds usually when people declare they are taking time off from FAcebook, on Facebook. Just bloody do it, already! Or learn how to utilize it instead of-- whatever it's doing that you are conscious of not wanting to happen.
The problem is, basically, you keep reviewing and keep some of these conversations going, and if you don't get proper sleep, you avoid the stuff that takes real concentration.
It's one person at a time, so often, where we can make the most difference. I am concerned about becoming too facile an individual, with too many shallow relationships that yield fewer real time life experiences. So, let's see if I have some self-control!Follow this blog
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