Thursday, April 4, 2013

10 billion Death Stars and not one trip to space (or, Kaya Ba-Doom doesn't live here anymore)

You see, after calling the angels again, I had an epiphany. Now, you know we are of course fallible, all of us, and genius is more like a notion that over takes us, rather than a quantifiable, constant description.

So the genius was realizing I've retained this eternal love for someone named Kaya Ba-Doom; it's right there in my subconscious rendering! And someone else came along and killed off that beloved character the January day I realized the name had been changed on her Facebook page, and cried. The Ba-Dooms cried, because one of their band was really lost. Glitch, huh? I said I'd keep seeing it there til she fixed it. "That's the spirit" she assured me.

But for all the crappiness before mixed in with the amazing cheer and politeness (you see in in summer and September so well, like people often are at the dating phase, where as Chris Rock points out, you don't meet the real person), I realize it was Angela's drawings, and songs posted for everyone, and characters from stories, and a dating self, all put together to lure me in, that was the illusion I loved!

I really had a hard time picturing a real person cavorting with us for some weeks, till we got the cute curly haired picture with the very first true smile, though I'd drawn her many many times. But I might as well quit ringing that doorbell. I meant no insincerity, but Kaya Ba-Doom doesn't live there anymore.

Mark Hamill's blown up the Death Star 10 billion times around the world, yet not once did he fly to space. Don't ask Adam West to climb any walls with his Batarang for you. When the actress leaves the role, sometimes the dear character's killed off.

Now, actor and role can become one, in love, and life, but if the two part, it's the performance you love, that captivates you. If they don't stay merged as one, your undying devotion remains to a story, and it's so clear now who it is I've been quoting, putting together with all the fun we have here and a few carefully selected songs and a certain energy that comes in reflection as we are siphoned, for whatever purpose, we givers. When your role is done, your actor, too, will walk away. I am just a season past proper cancelling but it's best to end it with that one more message left in primordial state, rather than thinking there's ever any real last word said.

If you resign yourself to the fact that, with a loved one, there's only the penultimate performance and the end is merely suggested in fading footlights, then the character you love can begin to live forever...and the actress can just go home until her next role...maybe as an emotionless, vengeance driven type who savors, say, taking the available friend of her ex-love to use and hurt next, as though to make a point about being out of control. It's simply reactionary, requiring a system, holistic, to rebel against.

If only I had shared that line about the departure of Kaya Ba-Doom from my show...but it's time to stop asking Mark Hamill to fly the X-Wing. Better to know I always had one last line and save it...the insight's already well known to the bad actress...relinquish mourning the separation of fact and fiction, see it for what it is...and at curtains, simply enjoy the walk home.

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