Friday, March 19, 2010
The miracle of the shining new person
Gee, what can I say? Wasn't too long ago that we sat down and wrote a pretty cogent account of us getting together...though it wasn't nearly as detailed as what I really remember. And I could write about us getting together our Future, as that has been a romance where we both understand exactly how one another feels, and are reminded of how it is we fell for one another and continue to do so, and how we explore the defintion of our own love..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfwWKCRth_A Summer 78 Jann Tiersen
I mean, I'd normally be in a pretty shitty mood waking up at such a time, but we have had so much good and really only a brief rough patch...maybe one really good day more and the effects of that memory will vanish. All we learned from it was, there are lots of reasons to be afraid to continue, and we just kinda spelled them all out and said, "well, that is a chance I have to take...and I have this feeling inside that seems to make everything right...and it is so good to share this happiness." And of course, to see the Future lift your heart so has been nothing less than a renewal of our own love, which seems capable everyday of doing so. One good thing about this is, we can touch another with that same power now, every day.
Oh, with our sex, it's not necessarily "romance" every time, it's a lot of animal magnetism, too, but it was certainly born of such things...ours is the kind of romance based on tackling life together, ideas together---not just the wooing, which we so enjoy, but also the partnership, the bright light of creativity, that bonds us together through our dearest concepts.
It says a lot that whenever I want to send a picture of a lovely girl to anyone, I reach for one of you...I have so many lovely pictures of you...you know, we really built our time around spending all our time together. We never knew, and while we hypothesize intuitively and emphatically, can not know if what we do will give us the economic success and freedom we crave. The goal behind it remains: to bring us together. We work on it together; I don't think any idea gets developed around this Apartment of Ideas without our consensus. It's funny how, fifteen years in, we still make every effort to spend our time together we can! yet I can't imagine fifteen years more changing that.
Really: think about it. How many moments now? I think they are every single day: we pause, and I say not a word, or tell you how beautiful you are, like I'm about to kiss you for the first time. have you seen how I sigh over a picture of you still, or grab your attention, enraptured, to tell you: "look! Look baby, see how beautiful she is!" even though it's in fact a girl you see in the mirror every day. But somehow, in a picture, I hope you have grown to see her as I do: attractive, graceful, somehow distilling qualities beyond this world.
It's funny how casual we have become with one another, how blunt we can be in our communication; yet it always occurs to us, when we are being particularly silly, that somehow, this is against "the rules" for how you treat someone you are trying to woo, and that becomes one more thing to make us laugh. And we have been quite beyond breath laughing, thousands of times, now.
You know what I like? How you answer the phone.
you know what else I like? the way you share food together with me. The way we share everything with such a casual sense, an effortless perception, of personal boundaries, through which we move and flow like water.
The nicest feeling---and one I look forward to us sharing with our sweet Future---is that moment that comes, seemingly all the time, when we are inside our shared inner peace, as though all else in life is there to contrast it and so, to cast it in deep relief...
Fifteen years in, we still gaze at one another with longing...we still care about one another's feelings...we still seek to cheer one another when necessary, and we share all our loved ones together, a seemless celebration of their lives...we give power to one another without thought, as though from instinct, still wishing to help one another in whatever goals we choose...that is the lasting thing...that is the heart palpitating time that evaporates so soon from so many married lives...it is this simple, really: essentially, we are people in love with life. We treat our days as an adventure...and however things turn out, we continue developing skills, swallowing disappointments.
WE explore all life's imponderables, together; we explore what would be secrets between others; we evaluate our impressions of everything together. i sincerely hope, and realize, there will be lots of attractive people to come in our lives, with the direction we've chosen, and all its magnetic qualities; yet nothing else we want with "the rest of our life" will matter without this best friend quality. So I hope for you, wish you luck in this: that you retain the miracle of the shining new person, as well as the lasting friendship that endures all, with this future we secretly share. After all, that is the quality that's brought us this far, that paradoxical mixture that makes us so glad to see one another each and every single time we are reintroduced into the very room!
Alas the Future we want, for reasons unforseeable, might not be; but we've already learned, we can't just withdraw and go back to life as it was before these recent changes, because to the universe, that is a lie; we really have something together that can be fresh and romantic, while attaining maturity and the qualities of duty and work built across a lifetime of collaboration. Therefore I believe in the Future without hesitation or reserve, for that Future loves us already now.
The way we've chosen has not rendered us many of the material signs of success; yet those things, when pictured, would not do much more than inspire envy, whereas the things we make uplift the spirits of people, which we value as one heart. Individuals, yet extensions of somethin greater, we need each other to have someone else to care for, somethin to motivate us to be selfless and kind, someone to help, someone to laugh with, hell, even someone to convince us to try things we would not, on our own.
Well, it would defeat the purpose to make it too long, I suppose, and in a way, everythin we've made is one long love letter to one another. I would still say sharing inspiration and enthusiasm and amazing each other with ideas has been the product of our relationship, and there are no words for the amount of hope and relief from tedium we have provided to others. we are really doing something scary as hell, all the time, like it's casual! But one must be bold, and one must be thoughtful; one must take risks, and one must know how to carry and share a sense of security. I wonder sometimes how very emotionally indulgent I have been, openly sharing my feelings all on a sleeve, when I am disgusted or disappointed, when I have chosen to shrug those things off, when I am aroused, when I am inspired, when I need help you can offer, when I need to give of myself in ways that make you all you can be. That has not excluded a lot of hard won personal growth, as I wanted you, if you are so devoted, to have the best man possible.
One thing you can say, though: not one day goes by that leaves us with any doubt whatsoever that we care for each other. There have even been days when inspiration was a distant longing, across a gulf of bitterness and shattered dreams, yet we have been emphatic in our choice to live like people fresh for life, undeterred, imminently devoted to art and kindness and expansion. If any thing, our ease with one another's companionship may have made it easier not to strive in all ways yet to share ourselves with the world, even though our jobs have always been the price we pay for not learning to exploit those talents professionally. And yet, in all things, we have made the most of rather spartan conditions, as well as appreciating deeply the care lavished upon us by those wish us well; I find it remarkable how all who have wished us ill fade into embracing shadows that shrink before the light that makes visible those we empower, and those whose connection enriches us.
I also adore the unpredicatability we share, yet in a very good way: the metatextural richness allows us a very unconventional script, full of things that would surprise, even shock others, out of context. yet we guard the truth and honesty beneath it with all due concern and care for one another's feelings, so there need be no doubts.
If there's one thing we do superbly, it's enjoy things together. I really appreciate how much you love a good story, a good intellectual challenge, a poignant moment, a hidden meaning.
I see you quick sketching me, and there is something whimsical about your perception of me, yet it is undeniably adorable and very much me.
Meanwhile, there is something so heart felt about your expressions that has always moved my own heart, made me feel loved, special. From the start, I set about trying to get you to explore yourself, assert yourself, all in an effort to also refine my own self, to keep myself true to the ideals that uplift me, ones that have shown me real and sacred power. The actual rewards of what we've made together have touched many people, made them believers of their own dreams, and maybe in coming days, they will resonate with the world in the ways our intentions shaped them from the start; we make something together that is classic, that is meant to be an effort shared almost effortlessly, something people will want to keep in their lives.
One thing about it: I cannot get involved with a situation that is not right for me, with such an advisor; things must be right for our lives in totum.
i know I've been critical, sometimes in ways less than helpful, and may well have become a more cynical person without your eternally shining optimism; I know some of my critique, though, has inspired you to work harder, to reveal yourself, to forgive yourself, to be nurturing to yourself, to speak up for what you want, and to consider deeply the value of your own happiness, without which I find little room for peace.
I've learned a lot about differences in what is actually right and what kindness pervades that actual rightness; I am certainly less fearful than ever of the impressions of others, however sensitive a person I might be. I've certainly learned that one must nurture as well as instruct; you've certainly absorbed that from me, and illustrated it for me again in your own idiom, of your own inspiration.
We really do revel in each other's joy...we really do enjoy one another's explorations, though the depth of your embrace of things that would be madness to some has brought a kind of shamanistic wisdom, an absolute magical quality, to my life, which many see now in me, when all I did was love the right woman and strive to keep an open mind. It is truly a wonder that i have achieved the Aquarianism of my ideals to this point. I could've just as well given up my troubadour dreams and become some smarmy hypocrite, but instead here I am, constantly getting letters from dreamers about their admiration for our dream, which is as much a construction of their perceptions as it is a review of our actual productions.
I still love to touch your head, to hold your hand, to kiss your cheek, to make you laugh, to make you sigh. Sign me on for another fifteen years...it's a choice I would make, one day, one Now, at a time