Thursday, January 12, 2012

“Sonny’s Joy”

I had four writing assignments and music rehearsal in the plans for the day, but I cut it in half after the mind-bending and disappointing night before. I made the time to stop in for a bit and visit Daniel at front desk of the hotel across the street. I often come by just to sit in the lobby and work, especially while my best friend’s got desk duty, but I brought no writing and just hung out for a few. I think it’s hard managing a low-rent hotel with some dignity and humor, but he does. I know it’s hard to throw people out when they’ve tried to work out their rent, made promise after promise, and stay behind. Unenviable. People come and complain about the most juvenile things sometimes. I told him about my interview with Steve and Janel, the Americans fighting for their rights against a crook protected by someone high up in Sri Lanka’s present government. They won’t leave to fight it from America without their dogs.

I spent a lot of the day stopping to talk with friends. I had a conversation about joy as an ever-present atmosphere, there to absorb as surely as the air we breathe, and different definitions for happiness and joy. We picked it up again when I sat down later in the lobby to start typing a funny story I’d still like to tell. She didn’t want the ideas written about as a conversation, and I just don’t remember it all right now, so there’s no essay pouring out of these fingers. I ran out of time because I got home and my friend was still trying to make some point, as if he hadn’t done enough, all for my own good, though he has a lot to learn about doing good. After twenty eight years, often spotted in the last decade with recalcitrance, the cumulative effect of trying to tear down my energy devoted to my work and friends---even couched as advice for my own good, still written to celebrate cruelty—made me realize I was tired of walking on eggshells. I might as well make a pet of a wild animal. You know they’ll bite.

The point I made she wanted to remember was this: “I want to live life with fewer expectations, and more accomplishments.” Is it a paradox? She thought so, yet found it rich in value. Hope it’s valuable to someone.

I don’t feel up to recounting that in essay form at the moment. I just decided over these three days to end the recurrent cycle of abuse from someone I counted a lifelong friend. More like I decided, then had to re-iterate, and now have to integrate. I wrote a reply with honesty, as devoid of the rage I felt as possible.
It turns out you can do that: you can let those energies dissipate without any outward show, especially if, upon reflection, the subject of your anger comes as no surprise. Unfortunately, I had not effectively communicated how much I do not want to hear from him anymore. He wrote back again and back again today, too, though this time I just filed it away without reading it; how can I trust it not to be more words to make me angry or sad? I simply didn’t feel so radiant today, but I’m recovering. I had a vivid imaginative metaphor and sought to enfold my three greatest psychic pains with loved ones into a single story told with mystery and suspense, and this empowered me. Without it I don’t know how I would live with these agonies, which I must claim and order in my mind so I might let go and embrace the future towards which we’ve sacrificed all.

Those doldrums---that’s why I thought about recounting some of yesterday, where one friend invited me to come out for a beer with him sometime, and another gave me a piece of lilac in condolence to the trouble I confessed. I listened to another, troubled by the value given to looks over experience in San Diego hospitality---too bad, she could really use a job and has education and a resume. The lilac convo meant I didn’t go finish off the t-shirt iron-ons Johnny asked for. I think he just wants me to come hang out, really. It was nice getting some of the crone energy; my grandmothers weren’t really there to know for the most part, but it’s never too late to have an older female friend and her active quest for enlightenment and fulfillment. The hand-picked lilac’s poised in the arms of my poseable Manikin, atop a tableau on our make-shift “altar” on top of the television.

Meanwhile, my friend Hellfire came by to unleash her considerable rage and humor in response to thinly-veiled life’s events, which I’d put into fictional form so I might witness it without being emotionally embroiled so. Comically, I was pretty sure she thought I meant some other friend, which speaks to a possible need to keep a clean house going forward. Her rebuttal, when I gave her the messages, was hilarious, loving, and perhaps insightful as to the deeper troubles, and this uncorked quite a few things I had never said to anyone but the Marc Kane. I would’ve loved to have put all that time into my old friend---that friendship was a prize. But it was not what I thought it was. I don’t trust that unopened e-mail not to be more words calculated to drag me into doubt and misery---which is not where I’m going for anything.

I no longer have self-righteous anger to sustain me---it has to be monitored so you do no harm, which is rule one. I also didn’t get out and have such a big day of errands and walking and visits to fill me up, but I worked on seeking peace, from the time I read his words and concisely replied to now. We came to see the need for this skepticism and cynicism and resentment to come from a meaningful source, so we might know the key to vanquishing it as it flows sometimes from strangers in the future. He had to assemble most every self-doubt I’ve faced in the past years to make me conscious where they may still lurk and by what motivation. He gave me the challenge between me and the summit. Thank his soul.

Meanwhile, Marc Kane worked on the first, creative, fun little bottle of her own inspired by Kudzu Mountain Gypsy Cave, who sent along their chilly, windy, snowy experience down South tonight. I enjoyed some wonderful music played for fun by Palamas from my phone inbox. I think I’ll sit down with the Litany he wrote, for Holy Sophia to grant us peace, and listen to my friends sing and chant words that will make a stout heart blossom.

I began this year with an emotional clean slate: no animosity towards anyone, all my dreams and ambitions lying ahead. How might I simply continue? What must I truly change? I’m ready to take on initiation in a challenging new group I hope will cause me to study and organize hidden strengths and lead to me being the most peaceful, genial person who can be made from my rough cloth. I’m pondering the application well before I send it, but it will be brief as possible. I’ve made my words here the visible portion of my search for things not seen, which surround us all. I want to bring you all along in the search for life’s hidden textures and knowledge, and I hope you will enlighten me, too, in the manner of friends in all times.


Anonymous said...

My love - I will ALWAYS unleash the Hellfire for you! I cant believe I was wrong - opps -- ROFLMFAO yep - clean house time!! Our beautiful CharlieGirl was off playing cowgirl today - LITERALLY- so I spent most of the day cleaning house and cooking a wonderful chicken-veg soup for our dinner. Warm and yummy on this cold and windy w/flurries night! So I still owe you a reply to your last email. Charlie was helping her brother take a BULL to the cow-barn and faced DOWN said 1900lb bull -shoved a fence in its face as it pawed and shoved at it! thats my Baby!! So when I finally got a chance to tell her about last nights conversation and shared in an abbreviated fashion those emails she was LIVID! She steaming mad - saying who in the frack (keep it clean hellfire, clean I say!)Does that douche think he is to say ANYTHING to you??? And really- he doesnt pay your bills so why the freak does he CARE so much about how YOU pay them? She said how dare he under the cloak of friendship try to drag you down? She is as Proud of yall both as I am. She said if you let that douchebag malechickenvacuum (can you decipher that one?) change your passion or make you feel bad then she was gonna get her 22 and get to shootin. HAHA -- Boy she was as hoppin as me. Dont make her astral project to kick you in the pants if you believe that alcoholic motherhumper. I cant believe he sent you another email. I am soooo tempted to say send it to me! But then you would have to open it right? Le sigh.... I see it as a classic case of projection. He is feeling shitty about his life - all the low down shitty things he has done so he wants someone to feel low down and shitty too so he Projects all the bad shit he feels about himself on you and voile! He now feels superior. I guess he was projecting the fact that he got FIRED due to alcohol so I guess that means his WIFE was having to work to pay all the bills. Hence he feels crappy bout that. Also it is kinda a misogynistic stance to have that the MAN has to be the one to be the bread winner. So what - women are supposed to stay in the kitchen? There are many many many couples like you where One half of the couple holds a traditional "job" while the other half has a NON traditional job. That part I thought about last night when i was laying in bed and got even madder! You can smother me ANYTIME - just not with a REAL pillow! oh yeah... btw I was talking with jeffery earlier and he said you BETTER KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! I almost spit out my coffee when he said he was about to eat a burrito - I told him bout our Taco vs burrito convo last night and he ROLLED! I love you more than a fat kid loves cake!!!!!!! Let me at em... let me at em (I have COURAGE!) Much love and good energy coming your way to slap ya in the face :-) waahahhhahhhaaaa DLB Look I wrote a book again!

cease ill said...

Tell that bull whuppin' woman I'm dedicated to keeping my head straight and answering the call.

(I literally got a call to do some comics pages for a writer friend tonight! See the bottom.) I have to tell you that soup sounds wonderful, and it's even better considering your windows are getting pelted with little frozen things! Charlie, I envy you, that sounds REALLY cool!!! I would love such a physical test of strength and awareness. I love how you can't stop challenging yourself. More farm tales!

We really believe if we stick with our non-conventional business we'll have a fulfilling life, and strongly consider making it right so we can both work on it full time together! Danny J's teaching me how to write code for Choose Your Own Adventure or "generated stories" and I just opened a book on Flash Media. I promise to be a friend to myself and get those working: I have someone upstairs just waiting to dive into it with me, too! And not two feet away, MK's initiating our line of bottles inspired by Kudzu Mountain Gypsy Cave, experimenting with our paints. Now that sounds like something better to do than moping about someone being an asshole to me!

Jeffery, I can't wait to show you what's coming next, but it's going to feel like magic the year through! Maybe we'll come call dolphins or something down there one day?

Zeo's idea:

His pitch mixes fictional characters existing as real people in the same world, a clever comic industry satire inspired by our hero Steve Gerber. I hope the main artists do their part, as I look it over and offer to do pages or vignettes that stand thematically on their own as scenes. It will be exciting to work alongside a team of individuals. Who knows if we'll see any money in that, LOL! I'm glad he had someone to talk to, they need to keep their spirits up over there in North Carolina.